Happy Friday, peeps! Today we have a guest post from one of my all-time favorite bloggers, Christi from My Tempered Tantrum. I’ve been reading her for awhile now and she’s super fab, ya’ll. When she’s not pouring awesomesauce all over her blog with her talented writing, she’s changing diapers and napping whenever possible. Clearly she deserves a seat at The Cool Kids’ Table.
My least favorite part of the week? Grocery shopping. I despise the bright, flickering overhead lights, the too-cold dairy aisle, and the too-crowded cereal aisle. It is a gauntlet of slow moving little old ladies, obnoxiously large display stands, happy twirling children, and angry flailing children.
I do my best to go to a happy place in my mind, seeking solace from the chaos. Sometimes, I imagine that I’m shopping in a market on a Caribbean isle, stocking our condo with fresh fruit and fish for our month-long beach vacation. Other times, I’m choosing fresh baguettes from a French bakery to serve to mes amis back at the chalet. However, my favorite distraction is to imagine that I am a contestant on Supermarket Sweep. Remember that? In this scenario, I have 10 minutes to throw as much as I can into my cart, before racing back to the entrance to leave victoriously with my mountain of free food. I plot my route through the store and imagine which items would be the most valuable to acquire. I’ve thought through every possible consideration: how to stack the items to maximize cart space, how much freezer space I have at home, the shelf life of various items, etc.
When I find my happy place, life is good. Squirt can ask for candy and I’ll say yes. The baby can point and laugh inexplicably at an artichoke, and I’ll laugh right along with her. I may even stop to help the slow moving little old lady reach an item from the top shelf.
… we reach the check out lines.
My happy place dissipates, as 99.23% of the time I find myself in one of these situations:
- Eager to escape, I choose the shortest line. Alas, I now have the slowest moving cashier and the bagger who goes on break right before my turn!
- There is only one line open and slow moving little old lady is ahead of me. She waits until hearing the total before she finally begins to rummage through her bag in search of her check book. She rummages again in search of a pen, clearly believing the one attached to a chain on the counter to be inferior. She then writes a check slowly, in her neatest possible cursive. She is adamant about filling in the memo line with every possible detail of the transaction.
- Oh no, the mom in front of me forgot the butter! Time to send Little Johnny off in search of the correct brand, most likely at the furthest corner of the store. She’ll look at me and smile apologetically, making a joke about how she just can’t keep things straight.
- I find myself stuck behind The Extreme Couponer: Do I really need to explain this one?
- Having only 9 items, I opt for the 10-item express line and am behind the person with 14 items (yes, I count). That extra 37 seconds added on to my wait verges on intolerable!
- I’m in a line where one kid is begging for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, or Doritos, or a Pepsi, or new Silly Bandz. Another kid is deep into a temper tantrum, snot smeared across both cheeks… Oh wait… those are my kids.
I turn to the man impatiently tapping his foot behind me, flash him my best smile, and apologize for my adorable little rascals. As he glares back at me, I imagine him with a little handlebar mustache obscuring his mouth and a beret perched atop his head. I grin and let my mind wander back to my chalet…
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